I had the most conflicting, but heart-warming, dream last night. I dreamt that I was at some event - almost like summer camp - with all of my friends. Past and present. A couple of my exes were there. We talked. It was easy to remember the good things when their faces are staring back at you. And I started to think about how my life would have been different if I had ended up with any of them. I was swept away by memories of a certain time of my life. What might have been.
Every now and then I would see Todd - in the bleachers, the field, the woods - lauging with friends, and he would smile at me when we saw each other. He was letting me figure something out for myself, but still observing. He wasn't jealous or mad. He was friendly with everyone. He's good like that.
There was a very real moment towards the end of the dream when I was standing at a table, looking at these familiar faces that I have loved and will always care for, and I realized that those lives I may have had were not the one I wanted for myself. They weren't the life for who I am now. And a rush of clarity came over me - the only person I could think of was Todd. I love our life - our life is good. It's us.
In my dream, it wasn't as if I was breaking up with anyone, or saying good-bye. I didn't run to Todd in the rain, crying, telling him I loved him and only him. Dream Todd already knew that. Real Todd does too. I was just giving myself permission to let go of the invisible ties that I allowed to remain in my subconsious. I will always hold the good memories in my heart, and care for those whose lives have crossed with mine, but I woke up feeling like a weight had been lifted. Like a responsibility had been relieved. And like my heart was so full of love and excitement to be married that I could burst.