I'm stuck. Not stuck in a sad way, but stuck in that way you get stuck when you are anticipating the unknown with both excitement and trepidation. I have passed a number of milestones in life already, but for some reason this next chapter has me standing like a deer in headlights.
According to the rules of life, I am a grown up. I am over 30, employed, insured, married, and I just finished paying off my car loan. Writing it out like that makes it look way more responsible than I actually feel. There are still many things that I don't do that a grown-ass-woman probably should. Like make dinner occasionally (on the stove or in the oven - not in the microwave), get out of bed before 11am on the weekends... or before 8am on the weekdays, shower regularly (kidding... not really...), go to the dentist, maybe to the gym, maybe the unpack those last few boxes from when we moved two years ago... am I painting a clear picture for you? For every responsibility there is an equal and opposite irresponsibility. Isn't that what Newton said? No?
We have one year left on our current lease, and while we love our apartment and our neighborhood we can't help but think forward to the next phase of our life. Do we buy something and put our money towards property that we own, or continue renting until we are ready to leave the city? When would we want to leave the city? And that leads to the question that people inevitably start asking after you've been married for two years (if they've even waited that long) - what about kids? When? How many? If we buy a house next year, would we regret leaving the city so soon? If we buy a condo, it would need to be baby-hauling friendly. Babies don't care if they have a yard, but I definitely care about lugging a stroller and other baby accouterments (oh, and also the baby) up and down multiple flights of stairs - no matter how gorgeous the balcony may be and how close we are to the Square. Can we even afford any of this? How do you know? WHAT IS A BUDGET?
Picture me now like when Dr. Grant and Lex are nose to nose with the T-Rex in Jurassic Park: "Don't. Move. He can't see us if we don't move." "He", in my scenario, I suppose would be Life? Father Time? The Responsibility Monster? It's hard to tell. At least I'm not being chased by a T-Rex. We've gotten away from the point.
I think I am so afraid of making the wrong decision that I have found myself too afraid to make any decision at all. I can't even help decide where we should go on vacation this year, because it all seems too overwhelming. What places do we want to see "before we have kids"? What about before I am pregnant? Will I be pregnant next year?? Oh god, should we take a BIG trip this year? Oh god, is this our last summer before we're having kids?? And now it's August and we have made no plans. Any suggestions?? Seriously. I need help.
I know this probably seems frivolous to some, and maybe relatable to others, but it's where I'm at. Feeling like I've hit a roadblock and I'm stuck here trying to figure out how best to climb over it (ladder? chair? catapult?) and what could possibly be on the other side, when I should really just walk around it and let things happen.